Today, I was telling a mentor that I feel I've just broken through a psychological barrier that I've been trying to break through my whole life.
He replied that he had once told me that he felt that this advice pertained to me:
"Not to render my heart, but to render my mind."
I thought about that tonight.
Asking, what does that really mean?
If I shrugged off the advice, all I would have heard is -
"You aren't taking control of your mind."
And when I consider this, that isn't what it's saying at all.
Perhaps my whole life, I have been trying to use my mind to subjugate my heart.
Using my mind to render my heart.
Attempting to make my heart conform to the wishes of my mind.
Why?
Because the wishes of my heart don't agree with the world I know -
Or what the world wants -
Or what the world aspires to -
Or what the world agrees with -
At all.
The heart has always dared for what is impossible.
Perhaps - on some level:
I have always used my mind to conform my heart's desire ever so slightly - to be in accordance with the world I know.
Perhaps this "level I have just broken through" is actually the desire of the heart finally beginning to conquer the mind.
In stage 1 business, one of the first major blocks is getting over the need to get permission from others to do things.
What that actually looked like was in a realization throughout the course of this year.
Every time I told people about what I was going to do, I was looking for permission from them - on the surface.
That's not what I was really doing.
Really, I was outsourcing.
I was looking for agreement from other people, so that I did not have to fully agree with my own self.
I feel like I have to say that twice for that to stick -
I tried to outsource the full agreement with my choices and decisions onto others.
Without fully agreeing with myself, by means of a compromise, I effectively was able to alter every result.
I used my mind, to render my heart.
By doing this, I effectively altered each outcome, every result.
I was not, as it were, "keeping my own counsel."
Perhaps what appears to my self to be breaking a barrier I could not break before, what has happened is -
The heart has begun to render the mind.
"Justify yourself to no one, and keep your own counsel." - Advices of G.I. Gurdjieff
The purpose of my life has always been the development of my soul..
This has never been possible from the usual state of affairs.
I have to first remember who I am, and to do that I have to remember to take a different action, one that a spell of sleepiness seems to cause me to always forget.
(end of part 1)
